Not since 2018—the year of infinite Kardashian kids and Prince Louis—has there been such a simultaneous arrival of chic children. But who are the members of the new infant Illuminati (and their stylish parents), you ask? Let’s break it down, below.
John Legend and Chrissy Teigen
Teigen showed off her burgeoning baby bump in her husband’s music video for his new single, “Wild.” (It’s a fitting announcement choice: the cookbook author and model first met the singer on the set of his music video for “Stereo.”) This will be the couple’s third child, and if it inherits Teigen’s humor and Legend’s voice, prepare for a future Tik-Tok star with tens of millions of followers!
Joaquin Phoenix and Rooney Mara
In May, Page Six broke the news that the goth-fashion icon and actor were reportedly expecting their first child. It’s not known when Mara is due, and we will likely never know since the couple is extremely private. Some day, two years from now, a paparazzi will catch a glimpse at the Mara-Phoenix offspring. It will be wearing a leather jacket and you, a grown adult, will feel woefully intimidated by a toddler.
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Gigi Hadid and Zayn Malik
News broke during the last week of April that on-and-off couple Gigi Hadid and Zayn Malik were expecting their first child. Hadid confirmed herself on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: “Obviously we wished we could have announced it on our own terms, but we’re very excited and happy and grateful for everyone’s well wishes,” she said. Upon its birth, little Zigi will probably sign a Gerber baby contract for ten trillion dollars.
Chloë Sevigny and Sinisa Mackovic
Chloe Sevigny and Sinisa Mackovic welcomed their first child, Vanja Sevigny Mačković, in mid-May. He will be an artistic prodigy whose finger paintings are displayed at the Whitney Biennial, and they will rename an LES street in his honor.
Elon Musk and Grimes
On May 5, Elon Musk and Grimes introduced the world to their baby boy, X Æ A-12. Yes, that’s the actual name. No, no one knows how to pronounce it. And yes, it might actually be illegal under California law. Grimes explained its origin, combining a letter from an Elven alphabet with the shorthand for a CIA spy plane. Like Amy Adams in that movie Arrival, I suspect he will one day decode an entire alien language.
Orlando Bloom and Katy Perry
Not one for low-key announcements, Katy Perry debuted her baby bump in her music video for Never Worn White. On Twitter, she even added some humor: “omg I’m so glad I don’t need to suck it in anymore,” she wrote.
With a platinum-pop-record mother and a blockbuster-franchise-leading father, this baby will be able to sing. It will be able to dance. It will be able to act. Which means that, in this group, it wins the superlative for “Most Likely to Have Its Own Disney Channel Show by Age 11.” Unless that crown is taken by the child of. . .
Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner
Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner never officially announced that they were expecting, but paparazzi caught Jonas and the noticeably pregnant Turner on a walk. (I feel for Turner here—no one deserves to have their quarantine fresh air activities documented. Let us stroll through the haze of our pandemic-induced melancholia while wearing leggings in peace!) Turner reportedly gave birth at the end of July. Happy for them, and happy for that baby, who will also have Priyanka Chopra as an aunt.